I Wish It Was Me
by Corinth
Summary: Olivia thinks about her life and how much she wants Elliot, but she knows she can't have him. I added on with a chapter from Elliot's POV. Please R and R!
1. Chapter 1

I own nothing.

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I think I always knew my life would turn out like this. That I would be alone. That my only chance of happiness would not be a chance at all, but an unattainable dream.

I had boyfriends in high school and college. Hell, I had a fiancé. But none of that was anything real. It wasn't based on anything, and therefore it had no future.

It's my fault, of course, that none of my relationships have amounted to anything. I don't trust anyone. Even before I got into this line of work, I didn't trust men. After what happened to my mother, I was afraid. Even if I wasn't afraid that my boyfriend would turn on me violently, I was too scared to tell anyone the truth about my father. That I have no idea who he is. That I may have inherited his violent streak. It all terrifies me. I would never tell another person and risk them looking at me like I could commit some horrible crime, like he did.

My logic tells me that most people wouldn't hold my father's crimes against me, but I don't believe myself. How could anyone look into my eyes and not see the fearful potential, when I myself can sometimes hardly look in the mirror, afraid of what will be looking back at me?

The only person I trust, truly trust, is Elliot. He's knows my past, he knows my present, and sometimes, when I see the sadness in his eyes when he regards me, I think he knows my future. Despite all that, he has never abandoned me. He has never given me reason to doubt him, and I know he never would.

It is Elliot who gives me hope when I think I won't make it through a case. He strengthens me and encourages me in my work, but it is more than that. He makes me have faith that there is some good left in the world. He is the most decent person. I know he has a tendency to get carried away when he is particularly angry at a perp, and he can be violent. I can't hold that against him, though. He only acts that way because he cares so deeply for the victims, and it kills him to see anyone intentionally harm someone else.

I remember after one case that really got to me, I left work trying not to cry. I was making a cup of coffee, not wanting to go to sleep and risk having nightmares about the case, when my phone rang. It was Elliot.

He was in the parking lot and said he was coming up to stay with me. I protested, saying I was fine, but then he said, "Liv."

That pretty much undid me. I started crying. He was at my door within a minute. He took me to my bed and made me lay down, and then he sat beside me and let me cry into his chest, stroking my back.

He wouldn't even consider leaving, even when I lied fairly convincingly that I was alright. Of course I couldn't fool him. He knows me better than anyone. He held me until I went to sleep, and probably after too, but I have no idea. All I know is that I woke up the next morning to find him asleep beside me, his arm around my waist.

I was so…happy…but I also felt so much despair. I thought that Elliot must feel something for me…probably not the same as what I felt for him, because I was completely in love with him. But there was something.

And something was too much. Elliot is married to Kathy, he has four kids, he tries so hard to be with them. He loves them so much.

I don't deserve him.

Apart from that, I would never do that to Kathy and the kids. Kathy and I have never been close, really, but I love those kids as if they were my own. They need a dad, and they are so lucky that they have Elliot. I could never live with myself if I did something to jeopardize Kathy and Elliot's marriage. I couldn't bear knowing that I was the cause of so many people's unhappiness. I won't emulate my father in that way.

When I see the two of them together, my heart beats faster. I'm sometimes glad that they are together…though I wish they were happier. It is the times that Kathy condemns Elliot for working too much that I am inclined to think of how much better someone else would be for him. But I try not to let myself even dream about how it would be, because I feel like that is wishing pain and sadness on them in exchange for my own happiness.

I just wish…I wish it was me.


	2. Chapter 2

I think I always knew my life would turn out like this.

I have no excuse. My parents did their best to raise me right, I didn't go through any hugely trying experiences…I know I had it good.

I know I have it good. I have a wife, four great kids, a job that I like…well, I guess I don't exactly _like_ it…it's hard to like finding out about all the horrible things that happen in New York…but I have a job that I find meaningful. That's much more than most people have. And yet…I can't seem to be happy.

It's the guilt, mostly. I betray my wife every time I go to work. I don't mean that I'm so rarely home. That's part of the job, and I won't quit because someone needs to do it. No, I betray Kathy every time I'm around Olivia.

I have no idea when that all started. This feeling might have been there from the beginning. I just don't remember. And it's more than a feeling. It's…knowledge, I guess. I know that, if I had met Olivia before Kathy, I wouldn't be with my wife. I would be with Olivia. Of course, then I wouldn't have Maureen, Kathleen, Lizzie, and Dickie, and that's hard to think about, but…I don't know.

Olivia is just…Olivia. I can't begin to put into words how much I admire her. Somehow, she manages to have empathy above all else in every case. I have never managed that. I let cases get to me so much that I am in a bad mood for the next, and I can't, or won't, be helpful. I can hardly think about that time I almost didn't show up for that little girl, Holly, after she specifically asked for me. I only went after Olivia told me that I had to, because I am a good man. She thinks I'm a good man. Funny.

How can she think I'm good? She's…beyond good. She's amazing. I know the cases get to her, just like they get to me. But she always, always puts her own feelings behind her and concentrates on the victim. I get blinded by my 'righteous' anger…if she wasn't there to keep me in line…I don't even want to think about what I would be like. Who I would have let down.

And yet, even thinking these things about her is letting down my entire family. I know my kids love Olivia, but I can never convince myself that they would prefer me to be with her. Of course they want me with their mother. Of course they do.

I'm supposed to be this good, Catholic man. And look at all my failings. I absolutely despise my enemies. Well, I guess I don't exactly have any enemies, personally…but I hate all the perps we get. I don't even bother trying to forgive them for what they do, because I know I can't. Turn the other cheek? There's no way I would just sit by and let someone I love be hurt. I wouldn't happily kill, but I'd do it, no question.

And I'm not even faithful to my wife.

I know that Olivia is in love with me. She's so emotionally closed off that it's hard to tell, but I still know. She's in love with me, and I know that the reason she hasn't acted on it is my family. She wouldn't do that to them; she wouldn't hurt them.

But I might. I am.

I don't trust myself not to sabotage my marriage in an attempt to get rid of the obstacles in between Olivia and me. I find myself questioning my actions. Am I unwilling to quit because I am hoping that Kathy will finally have had enough of me never being home? I sort of mentioned that to Olivia once, and she just shook her head. She said that I won't quit because I care too much about the kids, the women we fight for. She said they need me, and Kathy should understand that.

She doesn't, and she never will.

Olivia understands everything about me. I gave up on trying to keep anything a secret from her a long time ago. Whenever I am upset, she can effortlessly pinpoint exactly what my problem is. Which makes me wonder if she knows that I have these thoughts about her…this distrust of myself. If she does see it, I am immensely comforted by the understanding and acceptance in her eyes…emotions that I hope desperately are at least partially directed at me.

I can't leave Kathy, but not for the right reasons. It is for my kids, of course, because I love them much more than I could ever have thought possible, but that's not all. I can't leave because that would convince me once and for all that I am not a good man, and it would give Olivia reason to doubt me. I couldn't live with that. She is reason enough for me to try to be a good person. If she can put the feelings of Kathy and my kids before her own, I can sure as hell try.

I just wish…I wish it was her.


End file.
